What is Demisexual

 

*sits down* *pours you a glass of water*

Have you seen Legion?

No? Well. Shit… alright.

Demisexual to me is…well its the barrier between me and dating. It’s the shrug every time someone asks if I find a guy attractive. It’s the lean back when someone goes to kiss me at the end of a date and the look of personal offense that follows.

Demisexuality falls on the spectrum of asexuality, which means you experience no sexual attraction to anyone. Asexuality is often confused with aromantic, which means you feel no romantic attraction to anyone, but they are neither the same and nor do they always go hand in hand. Asexuality deals with strictly the lack of physical attraction to others. This can happen in different ways for everyone–this is no right or wrong to be ace. Some aces still have sexual desires just not for people, some have no sex drive at all. You may be ace forever, you may be ace and suddenly find someone you actually want to have sex with–you’re still ace, dude. And that’s okay.

Asexuals are not broken. Asexuals are not “wired wrong.” Asexuals live in a severely sex-driven society where sexuality is in the forefront of everything from advertising to news media to the arts (I found a laundry detergent scent at my Smol Job described as Fun and Flirty, for fucks sake.) And that’s kind of shitty. I’m all for sex-positiveness and you do you, no fucking slut-shaming because thats just stupid, but the point to which our society makes sex important is a bit ridiculous. And disturbing. And creepy.  Sex is such a cornerstone of America and the culture it creates, but dude…that’s the issue here. Asexuals are not the problem–your shitty sex-focused society is.

I identify as demisexual. What demisexual means is that you cannot experience sexual desire for a person until you have a very deep emotional connection to them. For me, its until I trust them, and consequently love them. What this means is–I can’t do casual sex. I can’t even look at a person and say “wow they’re so hot I’m gonna need a cold shower.” I can agree that someone is beautiful, but its the same way I look at a ‘65 Thunderbird or a stunning work of art–at times I’m upset cause wow, its so beautiful, how did they do that? How did nature do this thing? How did the artist make that happen? I feel a little inferior in your presence, but thats okay; being humble is good and comparing yourself is stupid anyway. My flavor of demisexual means I still have a sex drive, just not for people. Lovehoney is my jam. (If you need recommendations, DM me. I got you.)

In being demisexual, I’m really not comfortable with being hit on. For the most part. Unless I find you charming, which is rare. There is nothing more awkward for me than to be out somewhere with a friend only to have a random guy make a pass at me. I can’t be attracted to someone for their looks–I fall in love with the brains, not the packaging–so I get really fucking fucked up when someone thinks I’m interesting based on my appearance alone. If you hit on me at a bar, generally I’ll tell you I’m not interested so kindly leave me the hell alone. I’ll tell you I don’t date, because I largely don’t. Talk to me about what you care about, your ambitions and your goals. Show me your brain, I wanna know what makes you tick. Nothing else is of any consequence to me.

Demisexual is not the only flavor of ace; there are new labels and levels for various places on the asexual spectrum happening all the time. Everyone can experience every level of asexual differently–sexuality is fluid. It can change all the time.

In closing, asexuality is different for everyone. When I say I’m on the ace spectrum, it means I experience my own personal level of asexuality being a demisexual. And again, (I will drive this point home like a spike to your skull till you fuckers get it right) the A in LGBTQA stands for Asexual.

Not Ally.

A-freaking-sexual.

Because ACE PEOPLE ARE ALSO MEMBERS OF THE QUEER COMMUNITY AND THEREFOR BELONG IN QUEER SPACES AND AT QUEER EVENTS AND IF YOU THINK OTHERWISE YOU’RE FUCKING WRONG. BUDDY O’ PAL.

And there’s nothing wrong with you or how you identify either.

But seriously, you should go watch Legion. Their portrayal of a non-physical romantic relationship is fucking incredible. It will give you cavities. It’s that goddamn cute. 

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